Kids need stability?

They also need resilience, sometimes having it a bit rough isn’t a bad thing. It builds children who have better abilities to think logically and gives them the opportunity to build social and emotional regulation skills. The thing is that stability and resilience can’t co-exist. So how do you teach resilience to a child with a stable life without damaging their situation and causing trauma? You find something outside of hardship for you to help them to fight though.

That can be anything any changes to a household, even positive ones cause instability in a child’s life because they likely haven’t lived though anything before. Going to daycare and having to share toys is a big deal for a single child attending a care setting for the first time.  No-one gets their way 100% of the time but children don’t know that yet and learning to deal with that is a skill to be mastered. Even navigating differences in opinions between peers for the first time. Any conflict, invented or otherwise helps build resilience. The importance isn’t the conflict itself, it’s your ability to help your child navigate the conflict in a supportive environment.

Supporting a child though conflict is like forcing a horse to drink. Telling them how to solve the conflict won’t work, anyone with a toddler will know that. Instead I like to plant ideas then credit the child. Remember kids are smart, one of the things they good at is conflict resolution, it’s just about getting them out of the idea of my way or the highway and into the idea of working together. This makes intervening less about convincing children of a solution and more about learning to negotiate. Lets look at that for a second, Negotiation is the ability to take into account another’s point of view and is a vital resilience building skill. I’ve going great success in sitting children down and asking each for their side of the story then suggesting a common ground. Teaching negotiation and then learning to navigate the skill is a real, to them, setting is important for their growth. Sometimes this isn’t about teaching the actual skills of coming to an agreement though. Sometimes it’s about learning to take a breath.

I’m not saying that the inherent fragility of children should be entirely over looked but I’m asking to strike a balance between protection and exposure. Protect your child from high risks to their health and wellbeing, let them risk their pride on mild issues pertaining to their childhood egos. Let them be knocked around a little emotionally, doing so is the best way to prepare them for life without you. Building these skills early and using them often is how we create children who are better engaged in society, better problem solvers, negotiators and critical thinkers will be the next great lawyers and politicians for tomorrow.

Last thing, to the level of which they understand, let them in on your problems, your decision making your ability to negotiate and make dissuasions. It’s not about traumatising them, its about them learning form your mistakes, your errors of judgment. So that your child doesn’t make the same errors you did. You moderate that for younger children, they don’t need the emotional weight of adult issues yet, but I believe that the ‘politically correct’ answer isn’t always enough information either. Give them a broad summary of what’s happening without pinning the problem on them, ‘someone was mean to me’ is all they need to know to watch you solve the issue, what ever that issue may be. They may be able to transpose your methods into their relationships and issues too.

Last but not least, activity of the week:

Blind feeling tubs, are a get way to experience textures and explore our sense of touch. I ask my children to explain to me what they feeling as they partake in this experience.

You will need;

Empty yogurt tubs

Large stretched out socks

A variety of fillings, examples could include;

Cellophane

Fabric strips

Pebbles

Sand

Place the tub into the sock, open ends up so that you can put your hand though the sock into the container. Fill your container with your filling of choice, I suggest doing multaple and leaving them out for your child to engage with and explore for a few weeks.